Outside the Press Box :: Dr. David Davis

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me E-mails over the past couple of years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
   I'm sure you can attest to the many E-mails that cover almost every spectrum of life. Of course, when you check your Bulk mail each day -- there are various subjects that you can't relate in a column such as this one. However --
   Because of your concern...
   I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
   I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
   I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
   I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
   I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
   I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
   I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
   I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
   I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
   I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
   I no longer go out late at night because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
   Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an E-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
   I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
   In fact -- the most recent E-mail I received from What-a-Burger had the 12 days of Christmas coupons attached that had different items on each one good for one particular day with some that were designated between 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. And guess what? I printed the first one for December 1 that was going to get me a FREE hot pie with my order. When I walked up to the counter and saw the same coupon on a sign that said - The What-a-Burger 12 days of Christmas coupons are a hoax and are not offered by What-a-Burger...I ordered my No. 1 with cheese and stuffed that stupid coupon deep in my pocket thankful that I didn't pull it out.
   The people who designed that E-mail have way too much time on their hands.
   However - I think I might just forward that E-mail to a few of my friends that I know probably won't read my column this week.
   I will now return the favor of those previous E-mails...
   If you don't send this column to at least 1,200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.
   LAUGH EVERYDAY--IT'S LIKE INNER JOGGING
   E-mail: drdd@swbell.net